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Changing Your Fate - Lost Asian Girls with Academic Confusion Troubles

About Changing Your Fate

Previous Entry Changing Your Fate Apr. 28th, 2005 @ 09:31 pm Next Entry
WOW! Two posts in one day O_O Maybe this community isn't dead! I should advertise or something. PIKA!

I often think about my decision/fall from grace from graduate school. When was it that moment that I realized I didn't belong there? That a life with these people, in this class wasn't my thing? I'm still feeling the consequences. It's like to turn a page in a choose your own adventure book and events just go in one direction. There's no way I can objectively conclude if my life would've been better if I chose to stick it out in Graduate school. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten into that car accident. I wouldn't have had to fight for over a year working at Walgreens. I would still be in school, with some delusions about life still intact. Well, that's just a guess. I could've as just been as easily been run over by a car on my walk to school at UCLA. But life changing occurances happen, and when things are difficult, you sit back, think about those moments, and wonder "what if."

The reason I'm posting today is that I had a very interesting talk with one of my co-workers. I was over at his cubicle asking about statute of limitations, and somehow the point came up that he designed a program in school for needle prick issues for medical doctors. I was immediately interested, and asked if he did bioinfomatics as a major. Apparently he was a bio major, and several interviews away from graduate school. He said he had intereviews with several prominent schools, but declined to interview with them all since he couldn't stand the ethics behind clinical trials, etc.

Now I have no way of verifying what he said, but it made me think about how anyone could sit down and make that kind of a decision. For me, I kind of didn't have a choice. I nearly died in graduate school. Emotionally I was a wreck. I hated school, had no friends, and the over crowded classes made it impossible to learn. Several times I thought about suicide. Just separating myself from UCLA almost killed me financially (they wanted all their money back). It just set me in a state where I could not function. There was no choice there. It was leave, or die. But for him! Think about that! He didn't seem emotionally distressed about it (he doesn't seem the type, either). He just made a decision that was not where he wanted to be. His parents were furious with him. He just decided he needed time to decide if that's what he really wanted to do. So he just... got a job. O_O I guess it's working for him... but wow.

The thing is, when I was younger, I didn't really think of life as "living in the consequences" of our academic and professional decisions. It was progressing. I'm beginning to finally understand why some older people were so jealous of my youth, and keep telling me stuff like "Oh, you're still young!" as if all the problems I lament about are irrelevant because of my age. It's because they're living in their consequences, and see youth as a fountain of second chances. "If I were ten again" "If I were five again" I could make so many better decisions! That's one way to think about it, but it doesn't really work. I don't want to think "crap, this sucks, and it's the end of this story", that's living in the consequences. I want to still be "in progress"

Life's just never going to be the same as in high school (not that THAT didn't suck, but anyway....), so bright with possibilities and such. The present is a mix of that. Yes, there are the consequences (aoh... I shouldn't have eaten so much pizza last night *_*) to the beginning of something else (O_O I shall pick up tennis!.. not :p) to the continuation of stories still being told (still working on that manga technique ^_^).

Hope everyone's having a good year so far ^_^ It's nearly May!
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Date:April 29th, 2005 08:54 pm (UTC)
The year's been all right. I might vent on Lagact (I was thinking about it yesterday!) after finals. ^_^

Tsh, don't worry. I think I came to grad school partially to avoid the real world. It sucks in that way.

But hai, it's nearly May, and I'm counting down until the end of it! ^^!
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